House of Lies

Stephen, pumping his fist in the air: "I stand before a crumbling house of lies!"

Sarah: "Did he ever marry his first wife?"

Abigail: "Sarah, can I borrow ____ [a Christian music artist]?"
Sarah: "He's...not mine to give."
Abigail: "Oh! I mean, can I borrow his CD?"

Jacob: "I don't want to go to that funeral. I don't like funerals."
Dad: "Well, if you had died, wouldn't it bother you if no one came to your funeral?"
Jacob: "No."
Dad: "Oh. I guess it couldn't really bother you then, could it? But I know how you feel. I don't typically enjoy funerals either. I don't think they were meant to be enjoyed."
Jacob: "You don't typically enjoy funerals? When was the time that you did enjoy one?"
Dad: “Well…..”

Andrew to Sarah: "You know what's bad about fasting on Tuesday? That's the day that Subway's has half-price footlongs."

Jacob: "Andrew and I are really good enemies."

David: "I have a bumpy voice."

Jacob, looking at a picture of a woman in a wedding gown: "She sure would look bad if her head was shaved!"

David: "May the Lord pretend and defect you!” (as opposed to “May the Lord protect and defend you.”)

Jacob: "When I die, bury me in the compost pile. But leave my head sticking out."
Stephen: "Oh, do that for me, too! Except I want my feet sticking out."

Andrew to Mom: "Can you talk faster? Because when you have finished talking, I've forgotten my response."

Sarah to Abigail: "Would you mind if I sent this email in your name?"
Abigail: "It's not like I have any choice in the matter."

David, while coloring: "This is the most colorful rat in the world!"

Stephen: "Mommy, I think Abigail has a fever."
Mom: "Why?"
Stephen: "Because I heard that people with fevers don't communicate very well."
David (goes over and puts his hand on Abigail's forehead): "Yep, Abigail, you're a hothead!"

Mom, while looking at a picture of Bigfoot: "Aww, he just looks like he needs a friend!"

Random person to Stephen: "Is Sarah your mom?"
Stephen: "No, she would have had to be 9 when she got married!"

Stephen, describing a political meeting that he attended with Sarah: "I shook hands with all the men and hugged all the ladies and they said, "It's good to see you here, Mr. Greek."

Andrew: "200 years ago, everyone was 5 feet tall. That's because they wore hats that stunted their growth. Now, everyone is 6 feet tall."