House of Lies

Stephen, pumping his fist in the air: "I stand before a crumbling house of lies!"

Sarah: "Did he ever marry his first wife?"

Abigail: "Sarah, can I borrow ____ [a Christian music artist]?"
Sarah: "He's...not mine to give."
Abigail: "Oh! I mean, can I borrow his CD?"

Jacob: "I don't want to go to that funeral. I don't like funerals."
Dad: "Well, if you had died, wouldn't it bother you if no one came to your funeral?"
Jacob: "No."
Dad: "Oh. I guess it couldn't really bother you then, could it? But I know how you feel. I don't typically enjoy funerals either. I don't think they were meant to be enjoyed."
Jacob: "You don't typically enjoy funerals? When was the time that you did enjoy one?"
Dad: “Well…..”

Andrew to Sarah: "You know what's bad about fasting on Tuesday? That's the day that Subway's has half-price footlongs."

Jacob: "Andrew and I are really good enemies."

David: "I have a bumpy voice."

Jacob, looking at a picture of a woman in a wedding gown: "She sure would look bad if her head was shaved!"

David: "May the Lord pretend and defect you!” (as opposed to “May the Lord protect and defend you.”)

Jacob: "When I die, bury me in the compost pile. But leave my head sticking out."
Stephen: "Oh, do that for me, too! Except I want my feet sticking out."

Andrew to Mom: "Can you talk faster? Because when you have finished talking, I've forgotten my response."

Sarah to Abigail: "Would you mind if I sent this email in your name?"
Abigail: "It's not like I have any choice in the matter."

David, while coloring: "This is the most colorful rat in the world!"

Stephen: "Mommy, I think Abigail has a fever."
Mom: "Why?"
Stephen: "Because I heard that people with fevers don't communicate very well."
David (goes over and puts his hand on Abigail's forehead): "Yep, Abigail, you're a hothead!"

Mom, while looking at a picture of Bigfoot: "Aww, he just looks like he needs a friend!"

Random person to Stephen: "Is Sarah your mom?"
Stephen: "No, she would have had to be 9 when she got married!"

Stephen, describing a political meeting that he attended with Sarah: "I shook hands with all the men and hugged all the ladies and they said, "It's good to see you here, Mr. Greek."

Andrew: "200 years ago, everyone was 5 feet tall. That's because they wore hats that stunted their growth. Now, everyone is 6 feet tall."

Off the Record with Abigail

Welcome to the Abigail Exclusive! Here are some of Abigail's most recent observations.

"It would be fun to be a rabbi."

"I think my ears are too small."

to Sarah: "Can we go up to my room and chat? I really like chatting with you."

"I need to take a vow of silence."

"You know how horrible it is when you stay up really late with someone, and you tell them all these things, and then in the morning you're like, 'Why did I say that?'?"

"I've forgotten what they do at weddings."

"Quit trying to be sentimental. You're failing miserably."

*says something completely ridiculous and nearly scandalous*
Sarah: "Abigail!"
"Well, you said something stupid first, and I didn't want you to feel left out."

"They need to know how stupid they are."

"I'm not talking."

Unattended in Walmart

Mom handed me the shopping list.

"You can get started while I have my eye appointment. It'll take about forty-five minutes."

I looked down at David, who was to be my partner in 'crime'. "Sweet! We're gonna have fun, aren't we, buddy?"

"Are we gonna have cart races?" he asked expectantly, seeing my excitement.

"Well, I don't know about that, but we'll sure have some fun!" I promised.

As soon as Mom was out of sight, I started pushing a cart down the aisle and scanned the list. "Ok David, let's get you the slippers you wanted first thing." I stepped over to let him push the cart. "You lead the way, buddy!"

David grinned happily and pushed off. I followed him through men's clothes, then the boy's clothing department. Finally he turned back to the front of the store. He entered one of the main aisles and started going faster. I hurried to catch up, and he turned and gave me a wry smile.

"I wonder what the speed limit is."

Bursting out laughing, I asked, "David, do you know where the slippers are?"

"No, but I don't like this cart, so I'm going to get a new one."

We went back to the front of the store and found a new cart (on second thought, maybe we should have gotten one of those electric wheelchair thingies - that would have been fun!). David took the steering wheel and pushed it a couple feet. "This is too bumpy!" he said, refering to the horrible clacking sound the wheels were making.

"If you give a seven-year-old a shopping cart...." I thought. He would have exchanged it, but I didn't want to waste time.

David told me that he was going to ask someone for directions. I followed his lead. We walked up to a lady who had a badge on. "Where are your slippers?" David questioned.

She shot us a queer look.

"You know, the kind you sleep in."

I smiled and said nothing. The lady guestured for David to follow her and headed toward the back of the store. She stopped and pointed down the long hallway. "Just go to where that big 'SHOE' sign is, ok?"

David nodded and pushed the cart toward the sign. After selecting some camouflage slippers, we headed toward the food department.

"Now, buddy, we are going to take turns finding things. You go first and get some cheese, ok?"

He smiled his consent and started down an aisle.

"No David. I said cheese, not beer."

He led the way and I placed a package in the cart.

"Alrighty, the next thing is avocadoes. Follow me!"

I wound my way through the aisles while he pushed the cart behind me. After deciding that avocadoes were too expensive ($1.17 each) I chose some lettuce, gave David the cart, and read the next item: cottage cheese.

David pushed the cart back to the cheese section, but there was no cottage cheese to be seen. He wandered through some more aisles. We passed a lady shopper. Her little boy, who looked about seven, was following his mom around the store. The two boys exchanged a glance, and I saw pride written all over David's face. That "Aren't-I-cool-and-important?-and-by-the-way-that-wasn't-a-question" look.

A little later, I showed David the way to the cottage cheese (in case you were wondering, it was by the yogurt).

As we were shopping, fellow shoppers continued to give us strange looks. I could plainly tell what they were thinking. "Homeschoolers!"

Also on the list was a wedding present for some friends of ours. David and I went over to the frame and candle section. We passed some CD's and a board where you could hear sample music. I couldn't resist. I turned the music way up and selected some bagpipe music.

"Hey, David, since we're looking for a wedding present, let's get in the mood!"

I pressed "Classic Love Songs". We heard slow saxophone music that was more depressing than romantic. In disgust, I switched it off. David took over as dj while I went to look at the frames. Seeing nothing, I turned around and saw David dancing in the aisle to 'Since You Been Gone'.

Laughing, I went over to him and pointed out the "Little Children on the Move" CD. He turned it on and danced a little jig to "If You're Happy and You Know It".

David and I headed down the aisle while I looked for the next thing on our list. We paused for a Walmart worker who was lugging some bags of dog food. He bore a remarkable resemblance to Albert Einstein, only less smart.

The next thing on our list was rat traps. We had to ask somebody for help. He led the way through the toy section to a place where I never would have thought to look. All the way he was explaining to me why he knew where these traps are because he got some a few weeks earlier and on and on and on. I understood about one-fourth of what he was saying. We got to the traps, but seeing only mouse traps, I asked if they had any rat traps. His eyes got very wide. He froze up a little, but managed "Y-Y-You have RATS?"

"Yeah."

"Oh."

Seeing that they didn't have any, we turned around. I ran ahead and hid behind some Christmas trees, but I couldn't scare David, so we went to the the other side of the store (after I barely managed to get him through the toy section). A drink of water was next. I turned around from the water fountain and was horrified by what I saw.

Painted on the wall was a picture of the earth: big, blue, and green. Under the planet was a drab looking brick building with 'WalMart' painted near the top. There were two sets of doors, both very plain. One side was painted 'Entrance', and the other 'Exit'. Looking at the picture, I knew immediately what was missing. A barbed wire fence surrounding the building.

PROOF! All the theories were true! WalMart WAS going to take over the world! I pointed it out to David loudly just as a Walmart worker passed by. I knew she knew I knew the truth.

After a little more shopping, we finally got tired and decided to follow somebody around. First we tried a mom and a little boy, with little success (they looked at us a few times, but David wanted to find somebody else).

"David! Look at that guy in the black suit! We have to follow him! He's probably a spy!"

"Really?!" His eyes widened.

"Sure! Come on!"

I turned down the aisle behind him, but David darted the opposite way.

"David! What are you doing?" I hissed.

"I'm turning around. This is too scary!"

"David!!"

It was no use. I followed David around, glancing remorsely at the evil dude in the black suit.

We landed next on a mom and her daughter. When the mom went one way and the daughter went the other way, we followed the daughter and found a clue.

She waved to a boy.

Yes, that's right. She waved to a boy! Scandalous.

After that, we followed her over to the aisles that hold hairspray, hair color, brushes and the like. On the way, (we followed about three feet behind her) she glanced quite a few times at me. I knew she was wondering what was up. She tried to hide her glances, but I could tell what she was thinking. I smiled mysteriously, winked at David, and poked him. He grinned back. This was getting good!

Mom paged us over the intercom just then, and we lost her.

Until next time,

Agent Abby

Depends on the Angle

Mr. W. to Stephen: "Isn't your sister Abigail beautiful?"
Stephen: "Yes, if you look at her from the right angle."

Andrew: "I was so cute when I was a kid."
Abigail: "I was cute, too, back when I was a kid. Then I lost my cuteness, but now I'm gaining it back again."

Mom, while discussing Hamas and Hezbollah: "They're in such a beautiful place. I don't understand why they just don't go down to the ocean and swim and think about God."

Stephen and David were making shadows with their hands on the wall of their room one night.
David to Mom: "What's this that I've made?"
Mom: "I think it's a puma."
David: "Nope, guess again."
Mom: "I don't know, it looks like a puma to me."
David: "No, it's the body of a puma and the head of Abraham Lincoln."

Sarah: "Some men are fallible. Others are more so."

David: "I'm allergic to socks. I don't wear socks."

Sarah: "John Donne said 'No man is an island'. He was right. He forgot to take the next step, though. No woman is a continent."

Sarah: "Could you hand me that silly little whatcha-ma-call-it thingy thing?"

Abigail to Sarah: "I learned a long time ago not to question your logic."

Woman: "Did you see that old man jump off the cliff into the river?"
Mrs. D: "That was my husband."
Woman: "Oh, dear! I would never let my husband do that."
Mrs. D: "I would never think of stopping mine."

Mr. D: "That's my walking partner: we go walking together every morning. He's only ninety."

Mrs. D: "What kind of tree is that?"
Mr. D: "It's a green tree."

Sarah: "The milk is bad."
Dad: "The milk isn't bad. It just tastes....different."

Ruthie: "I have two friends. One gives me good advice, and the other gives me bad advice. They both help."

Sarah: "Why do you have to do it just because I'm doing it?"
Andrew: "Because you opened the door, so I'm walking through."

Dad, reading 1st Corinthians: "...Where is the debater of this age?"
Stephen: "Sarah!"

Stephen: "It's good to cry a little bit everyday."

Andrew to Sarah, who was ordering him around: "You're acting like an old maid this morning, only worse."

Mom to Andrew: "Don't do that, because I do that, and it's bad."


photo by Jef Bettens