Unattended in Walmart

Mom handed me the shopping list.

"You can get started while I have my eye appointment. It'll take about forty-five minutes."

I looked down at David, who was to be my partner in 'crime'. "Sweet! We're gonna have fun, aren't we, buddy?"

"Are we gonna have cart races?" he asked expectantly, seeing my excitement.

"Well, I don't know about that, but we'll sure have some fun!" I promised.

As soon as Mom was out of sight, I started pushing a cart down the aisle and scanned the list. "Ok David, let's get you the slippers you wanted first thing." I stepped over to let him push the cart. "You lead the way, buddy!"

David grinned happily and pushed off. I followed him through men's clothes, then the boy's clothing department. Finally he turned back to the front of the store. He entered one of the main aisles and started going faster. I hurried to catch up, and he turned and gave me a wry smile.

"I wonder what the speed limit is."

Bursting out laughing, I asked, "David, do you know where the slippers are?"

"No, but I don't like this cart, so I'm going to get a new one."

We went back to the front of the store and found a new cart (on second thought, maybe we should have gotten one of those electric wheelchair thingies - that would have been fun!). David took the steering wheel and pushed it a couple feet. "This is too bumpy!" he said, refering to the horrible clacking sound the wheels were making.

"If you give a seven-year-old a shopping cart...." I thought. He would have exchanged it, but I didn't want to waste time.

David told me that he was going to ask someone for directions. I followed his lead. We walked up to a lady who had a badge on. "Where are your slippers?" David questioned.

She shot us a queer look.

"You know, the kind you sleep in."

I smiled and said nothing. The lady guestured for David to follow her and headed toward the back of the store. She stopped and pointed down the long hallway. "Just go to where that big 'SHOE' sign is, ok?"

David nodded and pushed the cart toward the sign. After selecting some camouflage slippers, we headed toward the food department.

"Now, buddy, we are going to take turns finding things. You go first and get some cheese, ok?"

He smiled his consent and started down an aisle.

"No David. I said cheese, not beer."

He led the way and I placed a package in the cart.

"Alrighty, the next thing is avocadoes. Follow me!"

I wound my way through the aisles while he pushed the cart behind me. After deciding that avocadoes were too expensive ($1.17 each) I chose some lettuce, gave David the cart, and read the next item: cottage cheese.

David pushed the cart back to the cheese section, but there was no cottage cheese to be seen. He wandered through some more aisles. We passed a lady shopper. Her little boy, who looked about seven, was following his mom around the store. The two boys exchanged a glance, and I saw pride written all over David's face. That "Aren't-I-cool-and-important?-and-by-the-way-that-wasn't-a-question" look.

A little later, I showed David the way to the cottage cheese (in case you were wondering, it was by the yogurt).

As we were shopping, fellow shoppers continued to give us strange looks. I could plainly tell what they were thinking. "Homeschoolers!"

Also on the list was a wedding present for some friends of ours. David and I went over to the frame and candle section. We passed some CD's and a board where you could hear sample music. I couldn't resist. I turned the music way up and selected some bagpipe music.

"Hey, David, since we're looking for a wedding present, let's get in the mood!"

I pressed "Classic Love Songs". We heard slow saxophone music that was more depressing than romantic. In disgust, I switched it off. David took over as dj while I went to look at the frames. Seeing nothing, I turned around and saw David dancing in the aisle to 'Since You Been Gone'.

Laughing, I went over to him and pointed out the "Little Children on the Move" CD. He turned it on and danced a little jig to "If You're Happy and You Know It".

David and I headed down the aisle while I looked for the next thing on our list. We paused for a Walmart worker who was lugging some bags of dog food. He bore a remarkable resemblance to Albert Einstein, only less smart.

The next thing on our list was rat traps. We had to ask somebody for help. He led the way through the toy section to a place where I never would have thought to look. All the way he was explaining to me why he knew where these traps are because he got some a few weeks earlier and on and on and on. I understood about one-fourth of what he was saying. We got to the traps, but seeing only mouse traps, I asked if they had any rat traps. His eyes got very wide. He froze up a little, but managed "Y-Y-You have RATS?"

"Yeah."

"Oh."

Seeing that they didn't have any, we turned around. I ran ahead and hid behind some Christmas trees, but I couldn't scare David, so we went to the the other side of the store (after I barely managed to get him through the toy section). A drink of water was next. I turned around from the water fountain and was horrified by what I saw.

Painted on the wall was a picture of the earth: big, blue, and green. Under the planet was a drab looking brick building with 'WalMart' painted near the top. There were two sets of doors, both very plain. One side was painted 'Entrance', and the other 'Exit'. Looking at the picture, I knew immediately what was missing. A barbed wire fence surrounding the building.

PROOF! All the theories were true! WalMart WAS going to take over the world! I pointed it out to David loudly just as a Walmart worker passed by. I knew she knew I knew the truth.

After a little more shopping, we finally got tired and decided to follow somebody around. First we tried a mom and a little boy, with little success (they looked at us a few times, but David wanted to find somebody else).

"David! Look at that guy in the black suit! We have to follow him! He's probably a spy!"

"Really?!" His eyes widened.

"Sure! Come on!"

I turned down the aisle behind him, but David darted the opposite way.

"David! What are you doing?" I hissed.

"I'm turning around. This is too scary!"

"David!!"

It was no use. I followed David around, glancing remorsely at the evil dude in the black suit.

We landed next on a mom and her daughter. When the mom went one way and the daughter went the other way, we followed the daughter and found a clue.

She waved to a boy.

Yes, that's right. She waved to a boy! Scandalous.

After that, we followed her over to the aisles that hold hairspray, hair color, brushes and the like. On the way, (we followed about three feet behind her) she glanced quite a few times at me. I knew she was wondering what was up. She tried to hide her glances, but I could tell what she was thinking. I smiled mysteriously, winked at David, and poked him. He grinned back. This was getting good!

Mom paged us over the intercom just then, and we lost her.

Until next time,

Agent Abby

Depends on the Angle

Mr. W. to Stephen: "Isn't your sister Abigail beautiful?"
Stephen: "Yes, if you look at her from the right angle."

Andrew: "I was so cute when I was a kid."
Abigail: "I was cute, too, back when I was a kid. Then I lost my cuteness, but now I'm gaining it back again."

Mom, while discussing Hamas and Hezbollah: "They're in such a beautiful place. I don't understand why they just don't go down to the ocean and swim and think about God."

Stephen and David were making shadows with their hands on the wall of their room one night.
David to Mom: "What's this that I've made?"
Mom: "I think it's a puma."
David: "Nope, guess again."
Mom: "I don't know, it looks like a puma to me."
David: "No, it's the body of a puma and the head of Abraham Lincoln."

Sarah: "Some men are fallible. Others are more so."

David: "I'm allergic to socks. I don't wear socks."

Sarah: "John Donne said 'No man is an island'. He was right. He forgot to take the next step, though. No woman is a continent."

Sarah: "Could you hand me that silly little whatcha-ma-call-it thingy thing?"

Abigail to Sarah: "I learned a long time ago not to question your logic."

Woman: "Did you see that old man jump off the cliff into the river?"
Mrs. D: "That was my husband."
Woman: "Oh, dear! I would never let my husband do that."
Mrs. D: "I would never think of stopping mine."

Mr. D: "That's my walking partner: we go walking together every morning. He's only ninety."

Mrs. D: "What kind of tree is that?"
Mr. D: "It's a green tree."

Sarah: "The milk is bad."
Dad: "The milk isn't bad. It just tastes....different."

Ruthie: "I have two friends. One gives me good advice, and the other gives me bad advice. They both help."

Sarah: "Why do you have to do it just because I'm doing it?"
Andrew: "Because you opened the door, so I'm walking through."

Dad, reading 1st Corinthians: "...Where is the debater of this age?"
Stephen: "Sarah!"

Stephen: "It's good to cry a little bit everyday."

Andrew to Sarah, who was ordering him around: "You're acting like an old maid this morning, only worse."

Mom to Andrew: "Don't do that, because I do that, and it's bad."


photo by Jef Bettens

If...

I filled out a tax form today. You know, one of those ominous little black and white monsters who terrorize Americans like clockwork every April.

Oh! That reminds me. I wonder if anyone has ever thought of designating the IRS as a terrorist organization. After all, if you don't buy them off, they'll come with big guns and...

Never mind! Just kidding. To all the IRS agents out there reading this: I take it back! Really, I do.

Back to my story. So, I was filling out this tax form. And suddenly I see a little note at the bottom of the page.

"For federal tax purposes, you are considered a person if you are:

An individual who is a citizen or resident of the United States,

A partnership, corporation, company, or association created or organized in the United States or under the laws of the United States, or

Any estate (other than a foreign estate) or trust. See Regulations sections 301.7701-6(a) and 7(b) for additional information."

Wow.

That piqued my interest. You are a person if?

I always thought you were a person if you were capable of wondering if you are a person. Cogito, ergo sum! I mean, you'd think that most of the IRS's audience would be comprised of persons (Unless, of course, there's someone else on the planet who is interested in paying taxes. Yes! Let the primates foot the bill!).

Apparently I was mistaken. For all I knew, I might be a nonperson. For federal tax purposes, I could be anything!

My fingers twitched nervously, and I rocked slowly back and forth in my seat. The pressure was getting to me. Was I a person, or wasn't I?

I ran quickly through the list. I am not a partnership, corporation, company, association, or estate.

But I am an individual...right?

You can't be too careful. I rushed over to the nearest computer and typed in the address of my trusty friend: dictionary.com

"Individual"

The page had never loaded so slowly. I bit down hard on my lip and waited desperately for the verdict.

"Individual: a person."

What?

And to think that I went to all that trouble.

Thanks for the vote of confidence, tax form. It's nice to be sure.



See Regulation section 28450.2731 subsection 342.18(b) for additional information.

When Freezers Feel

I've written before about the beautiful personality that lurks just below the coldness of modern society. Some people like to think of technology as cold and hard and uncaring, but in my personal journey, I've discovered that even machines are capable of expressing deep emotional sentiments.

Well, I had another glorious moment of discovery in Walmart (where else?) a few weeks ago. I was grocery shopping. The monotony of aisles and carts and shelves was beginning to wear on my mind, and a dreadful dullness was creeping over my spirit. Listlessly, I added item after item to the cart with a quiet apathy. It had been a rough day. I was just another consumer in a billion-dollar industry.

Frozen broccoli was next on my list. I yawned and directed my cart toward an aisle in the frozen food department. As I started down the row, I happened to notice that all the lights were off in the freezers. Oh dear. The second law of thermodynamics was at work...again.

But I was wrong. A greater law was at work here. Just as the front of my cart became parallel with the first freezer door, the lights inside snapped on cheerfully. Astonishing!

All else magically disappeared to me as I glided down the aisle. With each step I took, the lights on either side flashed on merrily, with a brilliant wink and a smile. The food inside grinned enticingly under the friendly glow of the bulbs.

I felt as though I walked on red carpet. I could almost hear a Marine band playing Hail to the Chief. I could almost sense the thundering applause. Never had I been so respected in Walmart! Never had my arrival been so celebrated!

My back straightened, and a brilliant smile lit my face. For the first time in my shopping career, I felt noticed and appreciated. For the first time in my life, a freezer had expressed respect for my natural superiority!

Of course, a less astute consumer would probably have come to a very different conclusion. They might have guessed that the new lighting system was merely the result of a desire to cut utility costs. Perhaps they would have decided that Sam Walton had been convicted by Al Gore's Convenient Lie and and become aware of the fact that every moment of saved electricity benefited Antarctica's polar bears all that much more....

But I knew the truth. I immediately understood that this was a noble effort to honor me, the consumer. Me, the consumer, the missing link that made the world's economy possible. The consumer, who, out of all the places that she could be, choose to spend her money and her afternoon in Walmart's frozen food department. It was about time for some recognition!

I turned down the next aisle of frozen food. Just ahead of me, two young girls were sauntering proudly down the aisle, grinning like only girls who know they're loved can do. The freezer lights flickered on in perfect synch with their steps. You could see the joy all over their faces. Society had recognized their value! In a moment, they had gone from just another consumer to respected princesses. You could practically hear the symphony.

We exchanged broad smiles and shared a secret giggle. It was the first kind look from a fellow shopper all afternoon!

My spirits lifted, I continued the day.

~ ~ ~

Just yesterday, I found myself in Walmart once again, doing the family's grocery shopping. Noting the frozen items on my list, I headed over to the frozen food aisles. This time I wasn't looking forward to the welcome I knew I'd receive, though. I had just returned from a funeral. It wasn't a time to celebrate.

Apparently, though, the freezers caught on. They continued in their morose darkness as I padded down the aisle. The ice cream freezer, however, farther on down, flickered up tentatively. Somehow, I found the low wink consoling. Hope would rise again in the morning.

I selected a half gallon of (all-natural) strawberry ice cream, to celebrate. After all, it was on the grocery list!

I went home comforted. The freezers loved, understood, and appreciated me for all I was worth. It was a dark world, but the freezers cared!

Next time, I fully expect a hug.

Why not?